All good things must come to an end

*for pics please see Facebook

Leaving my village and my closest Thai friends and family was bittersweet, full of tears, hugs, love and many good luck celebrations.  these celebrations consisted of tieing white strings to whisk away the bad spirits and to bring on the good ones to provide luck, health, money and happiness.  Everybody wished for a boyfriend for me....and they made sure to wish for it quickly!! It's a very emotional ceremony in which you really feel the love and good wishes.  It was a wonderful last 2 weeks at site making my favorite Thai desserts, eating my favorite thai dishes, sharing good memories and enjoying the people who've become a significant part of my life over these last 2 years.  I've officially COS'ed, which means I've closed my service, although PC Thailand staff considers the acronym to mean " continuation of service " instead, encouraging us to consistently live our lives as volunteers who provide for our communities. I like that thought process as well, but I've decided to hold off on that for a few months and take advantage of being in SE Asia to travel.  

As Americans, the typical lifeline goes as follows: school, job, marriage, house and kids.  Very rarely do you meet Americans who take time to travel before/after school or work.  Largely because of the typical way of American life I described above, but also for other reasons including: Americans work too hard, cost of living is higher and so finances are often tight, too tight for extensive travel, and because we are so far away from most of the rest of the world. Americans are very fortunate in many ways and I feel lucky and blessed to be a citizen of a wonderful country, but this is one aspect I think puts us at a disadvantage, and something I hope changes. 

PC has exposed me to tons of opportunities I've been oblivious to and backpacking is one of them.  I've backpacked the appalachian trail and have travelled prior to PC but for short periods of time due to work and money restrictions.  Most of these travels included stuffing an over-sized suitcase with every pair of heels I own and too many outfits....."just in case!" Traveling like that is fun and a good work-out, but being a PCV I had to master the art of traveling light.  Travel in Asia is not as developed/ advanced and planes don't fit my volunteer budget, so lugging my crap all over the place in janky buses for 12+ hours on the regular taught me the lighter the better.  I've learned to travel for long periods of time with 3 shirts and 2 pairs of pants (of course one cute dress as at least one good night of dancing gets thrown in the plans) and some other basic necessities.  Dealing with a little body odor becomes par for the course because there's no deodorant in the world that can control the sweat or its smell and a good shower isn't always available.....a hot shower being almost non-existent.  All this to save a few extra bucks to splurge on food as that is my priority!  I mean, I'm blessed that your tax dollars have supported my ass for 2 years but it certainly doesn't support anything lavish.  And so this is how I've learned to backpack, revel in the grossness and the fact that everybody else you associate with, both travelers and locals, are often just as gross and smelly as you!

So with that, im taking the next 3.5 months to travel before returning to 10% unemployment rates and being a 32 year old, unemployed woman living with my parents.  My first stop is the philippines, then vietnam, laos, burma and turkey for a good friends wedding.  I'll return to America on July 8th.  I'll be with my volunteer friend Erin in the Philippines and Marjie will join me for most of the travels.  We have no set plans because we have the beauty of flexibility instead.  I am quite self aware of my desire to plan, but I'm going to be winging the next few months and see what adventures come.   I'm so excited I can practically burst! Until then.....

A tough lesson

Throughout my service, teaching at the schools has been one of my favorite things to do.  The kids are excited, want to learn and it's rewarding for me to see positive outcomes.  As much as I love it, sometimes it's difficult as I'm teaching in a language that is not my native language and to say that discipline styles in Thailand are different is an understatement.  It's more accurate to say they don't exist here, so when I discipline (again in Thai), it can be very challenging.  I believe if a Thai teacher were in the room with me to help manage the classroom it'd be easier, but rather than working with me, they leave as soon as I get started as that gives them some time off.  So, I'm at it alone.

Typically, I can handle my own and we always end up reaching the ultimate goal of learning and having fun, but today I struggled with a particularly difficult class.  I was constantly disciplining, the students were hardly listening and talking throughout.  I attempted to tell 4 boys to leave, but they were in utter shock and we ended up having a staring contest for about 1 minute.  I cut the lesson short and told them it was because they had behaved poorly and I was not going to teach that way.  I told the students that there would also be no prizes today, as I use those for positive reinforcement, and well, there was nothing positive about any of this.  So, when I went to my bike, 2 teachers came out to send me off.  They asked me how things went and due to my frustration, I was honest.  I told them I was unable to teach because the kids behaved so poorly.   But I told them I'd continue next week.

Two of my village kids came over my house tonight and they shared something that broke my heart.  They told me that after I left, the teacher used corporal punishment and hit many of the students in the class because of their poor behavior.  I am aware that this is not uncommon in Thailand, especially rural Thailand, and because of this, I always tell the teachers that everything was great for fear of this happening.  I think a part of me leaving the school today, knew that this would happen - I felt bad the minute the honest words fell from my lips.  And tonight my fears were confirmed.

One of the worst parts was that the kids told me that the other students and teachers heard me struggle to discipline them and even heard me try to kick 4 of the students out and they did nothing to help me.  I'm not a teacher at their school, I don't speak Thai as fluently as they do (obviously) and you could hear it in my voice I was struggling, yet none of the teachers came to my assistance.  I was more shocked by this because the teachers are typically very helpful.  I believe my overall disciplinary nature today made them uncomfortable and nervous to come to my aid.  Either way, frustrating, sad and reiterated my gratitude for having received my primary and secondary education in the Long Island suburbs.

2 months left.....and counting?

Throughout the past 2 years, I've experienced what is known as the "Peace Corps Emotional Roller Coaster".  It essentially means a constant, and often extreme "up and down" experience of emotions.  I have certainly ridden the good ol' roller coaster, some times more constant and extreme than others, but was a fairly active rider nonetheless.  Now with 2 months left (wow, how time flies), I'm back on for another ride and experiencing all sorts of new things.  I'm currently battling with the feelings of "I'm ready to GO!" with feelings of fear to leave my second home, leave a life and friends I've made here the past 2 years and leave a lifestyle that I've become accustomed to - all that is so very different from my life in America.  Many say that I'll be fine, that I left almost 30 years of living in the USA and adapted to life here, so I'll adapt back.  The only thing is, I'm a bit different now....I'm not exactly sure how yet, reflection takes time you know, but I just know I feel different. This is rather hard to explain in words. I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain it, but I've compiled a list of things I will and won't miss about Thailand with hopes of giving you an idea of what I'm leaving.  It's an ever changing and growing list, but here is where it stands as of now :)
                         
                 WILL  MISS                                                      WON'T MISS
1. P'Dtang, P'Dtou and Grandpa                          1. Sitting around all day/for hours just waiting.....                      

2. The veggies and fruit everywhere                      2. The God-for-saken heat

3. Speaking Thai                                                  3 . Speaking Thai

4. Biking through the rice fields in full bloom          4. Being called farang....even by people who know me

5. Going to the temple every week with neighbors to feed the monks
                                                                           5. Greng jai - in Thai this means to be considerate but PCVs consider it lieing

6. Cheap food                                                     6. The transportation system

7. The unique warmth of the people (meaning their warmth is different from let's say, Mediterranean or Latin American people, but they are still warm people)
                                                                          7. Bangkok

8. Sticky rice                                                      
                                                                          8. Importance of and constant discussion of physical   appearance (mine, in particular)

9. Laughing with Thai people                               9. Having to be home by dark

10. PCV friends                                        
                                                                          10. Having to be riap roy (appropriate) in all you do/say/wear when so much of what Thai's do is not riap roy (by American standards, at least).  Example - in America, picking your nose is considered inappropriate and done in private (with a tissue, hopefully!), but here in the land of Thai, shove that finger right on up there wherever you are and whoever you're with....

11. Staying home on a week day, saying I'm working from home/tired/whatever and everybody just accepts
                                                                         11. Having to be "on" all of the time.

12. Animals EVERYWHERE!                           12. Motorcycle smoke in my face

13. Going to the market 100 meters away for fresh food
                                                                         13. Mosquitoes

14. My bike and house                                     14. Kids dropping their pants and peeing EVERYWHERE

15. Not caring what I look like...ever                15. Being considered special solely because I'm white

16. Random, pleasurable trips to Tesco Lotus to remind me of America
                                                                         16. Thai dairy products

17. Conversations with P'Bramote                     17. Being judged as rich and bad because I'm American

18. Shoes off everywhere                                  18. Random power outages / bouts of no running water

19. Picking my feet wherever I am, because it's how we do here
                                                                      19. The constant compliments-it makes me feel uncomfortable

20. Thai kids wai'ing          
                                                                      20. People at my government office talking about me while I'm in the room like I'm meaningless, especially since I understand them

21. Having the hairiest legs ever and the fact that it's expected of me because it makes me more Thai
                                                                     21. People getting mad at you when you haven't visited them in a long time, even though they never came to visit you.

22. Making and eating lunch with P'Dtang, catching up and then napping....in the middle of the day.....because we can
                                                                      22. Burning trash smoke

23. Hanging out with my neighbors
                                                                     23. Getting chased by angry dogs who look like they are ready to kill

24. Going to the school and teaching kids that are so desperate to learn
                                                                    24. Waking up with random bug bites all over your body, even though you use a mosquito net, every night

25. The kids over my house whenever they want, making me feel like a real part of the hood
                                                                    25. The kids over my house whenever they want, driving me crazy!!!

Happy New Year!

For American’s/Westerner’s, New Years Eve is a time for celebration, laughing, partying, drinking, dancing, talking and spending time with good friends and family.  Last year, despite that I was in Thailand, I celebrated in the same fashion in a popular Thai city with my PCV friends.  Since I didn’t experience a true Thai New Years last year, I chose to stay at home this year to celebrate with my villagers.   It will officially go down as the most boring and uncomfortable New Years Eve of my life.  Here’s how it went down.

I’m excited.  I come home from a crazy day of Thai-napping (when Thai people kidnap you and you do Thai-like things for an incessant amount of time) and ask my neighbors what time they are going to temple for the celebrations.  From the beginning, I understand that the celebrations will be different from what I’m used to as NYE for my local villagers consists of making merit, meaning lots of chanting/meditating.  But I was quite surprised when they told me that they’d be there at 6pm until at least 1am, possibly sleeping there.  In my head I decided I would only stay for a few hours because although I want the traditional Thai NYE experience, I certainly don’t want to sit in the chanting position for at least 7 hours.  I was happy with cheering for the last 10 seconds of 2012 on my own, in the comfort of my home.  

                   

Some of the locals sitting around me - everybody is all smiles while waiting for the monks to arrive

But this didn't happen.  In 65 degree weather (which believe it or not is absolutely freezing here), I sat in that damn chanting position for 7.5 hours alongside my neighbors and sleeping children, chanting right on through the countdown.  

With this large quantity of time to think or not think….this is how I utilized my time:

My view  for the night

       1.       This could be fun and relaxing….but I’m still outta here by 10pm

       2.       Hmmm, the aura of the night and the people lead me to believe I may not be leaving by 10pm

       3.       10pm, why am I still here?

       4.       You wanted this Erica….this was your decision.     

       5.       Many escape route plans go through my head

       6.       I’m annoyed because none will happen

       7.       Oh, I wonder how long I just fell asleep for?

       8.      I’m bored

       9.   I love America

      10.    How is it that I’m freezing at only 65 degrees?

With my neighbors, while I was still happy

      11. Ants really are interesting.  Everybody should   take a few minutes to watch them work

      12.   Finally thought through that financial thing I had to think about…

      13.   I hope big papa Buddha brings some good things in 2013 for being here

      14.   Erica, what a selfish thought….stop it

      

      15.  12:00am fireworks going off….we chant on through

      16.  Why can’t you be friends with the 19 year old punks?  We all know they are having way more fun right now….

      17.  Woops...fell asleep again!

      18.   I’m hungry and tired 

      19.   1am and they are still doing this...but some people are leaving...this is my chance!  

      20. 1:30 - peaced out!  Home to my semi-less cold house to sleep under my 5 blankets!

One of the of 4 pee/coffee breaks.  The smile means it was probably the first one, still fairly early into the festivities. 

    

I know how you feel grandma....this is about as happy as most of us were after a few hours

What does a farang’s (white person/foreigner) boob look like?

Well, now you can ask my lady neighbors, as they have all officially studied my boobs (well, if we’re going to get technical, it was just my left one).   True story.

Thai people are affectionate with other people of the same sex – their affection towards each other is typically not done in a sexual way or with sexual intentions. They are not affectionate with the opposite sex, someone they are interested in or even their mate/life partner.  Yet, men are known to hold hands, put their arms around each other, place their hand on their chum’s upper thigh, sometimes even go in for a crotch grab.  Women do the same thing with each other: hand-holding, walking arm and arm and on a good day, a love tap on the ass by grandma (I once got a crotch grab when I was told to make babies with a Thai man – yes, another true story).  I’m an affectionate person (I’m a huge hugger, but Thai’s unfortunately do not hug…unless you want the most awkward moment of your life) so I've always welcomed this friendly affection as the closest thing to human touch I often long for (you never realize how much you could miss it until it’s gone).  Tonight, however, my comfort levels were beyond tested and let’s just say, this little lady did not pass.

I was hanging with the ladies on my block this evening.  Discussion turned to bra’s and P’Leet lifted up her shirt to show us her bra, grabbed her breasts and stated how big they were.  P’Mondri shared that she never wears a bra and I stated how envious I was.  I continued to engage myself by telling the crew I was in need of some new bra’s and asked where I could buy them.  This was my crucial mistake: turning the discussion towards me.  Questions began to be fired at me at lightning speed: "Oh, you wear a bra? Does yours have a snap in the back? What kind do you wear when you go running?  How much did that one cost?"  Before I could even attempt answers (drumroll please) P’Leet lifted up my shirt and my sports bra to get a good full-on-shot of my left breast.  She proceeds to pinch my nipple while commenting on how white my breasts are and demanding to know why there’s no milk coming out of my nipple when she squeezes it.  All the ladies chime in by saying it’s because I’ve never had children.  Uncomfortable as I am with all of this, I’m trying to pretend that I’m ok, but thankfully get myself back to an appropriate state (i.e. boobs under the shirt) fairly quickly. 

I was then told that I’m not shy because I’m a farang.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the conversation with Thai’s trying to explain that Americans are different than Europeans: although Europeans prefer to be topless at the beach, Americans, yes although many of us are also white, do not.  So, rather than going down that path, I simply stated that I normally don’t show my breasts like that. There was an uproar with P’Leet stating that we’re all women, no need to be concerned or shy.  While P’Mondri, in efforts to make me feel better, showed me her breasts.  I can’t lie, but the fact that P’Mondri also shared her breasts did, in fact, make me feel better.  I was then asked if I show my breasts to boys.  It was at this point that I took the simple path of “I’m sorry, I don’t understand”.  Conversation, as always, eventually made its way back to food.  Just another night in the hood.

The Not-so-pretty Truth

Before setting off on the journey to Thailand, I attended a ‘staging’ in Philadelphia.  It was there that I met my fellow volunteers and was given a brief introduction to Peace Corps.  The facilitator, a returned PCV, said to us: “On good days, post a blog; on bad days, journal”.  Most often I agree with her because when I am having a bad day here, I tend to feel so emotionally charged that if I were to share it, I may not accurately portray the situation, Thailand, its culture or its people.  Sometimes it’s just easier to vent to other volunteers who have a more intimate understanding of Thailand and its culture.  So, when I recently came across a very disturbing situation, I wasn’t sure if it should be shared through my blog.  Yet, if I only share the good/positive things about Thailand, well then where’s the reality in my experience and my words?  So here it is: a bit of the not-so-pretty truth: 

I was invited by my best friend, Pii Dtang, to attend a substance abuse training for youth in our community facilitated by the ‘Development Soldiers’.  Thailand has various sects within their army, one being these soldiers who focus on development work – since adolescent substance use has been a huge problem and concern here, the soldiers have been focusing their efforts on this issue.  

The training itself went well, the kids learned and had a great time. The second day, we took the kids on a little trip to do some hiking.  We boarded the bus at 7:30, greeted by a young police officer (who I'm not a fan of at all) from my community, microphone in hand, making commentary.  Of course, when I got on the bus, he had plenty to say about the ‘farang’.  I smiled and laughed, more so at the fact that there’s still commentary being made on my behalf wherever I go.  

As previously noted in my blogs, trips like this usually mean karaoke and dancing at all hours, but as it turns out, Thai teenagers prefer sleeping that early in the morning.  But despite the kids lack of interest, the 3 male leaders up front continued to sing to blasting music.  The police officer opens a bottle of whiskey about 5 minutes into our trip.  I roll my eyes because where I come from, people don’t drink at substance use prevention events, but we aren’t in my country, we’re in Thailand.  So, I try to avoid reacting.  He offers whiskey to Pii Dtang and I and we both decline - all of the soldiers decline as well and I’m grateful for that.  He begins to make his way down the bus aisle to where some of the ‘older’ teens are sitting, and by older I mean maybe 17, and he proceeds to OFFER IT TO THEM!  Despite the fact that they are older, they are still a part of this group of teens/young adults who were taught the previous day about the negative effects of substance use.  I was stunned and appalled - I looked at Pii Dtang and our conversation went like this:

Me: Pii, he’s giving it the kids! (in voice of disbelief)

Pii Dtang: No, no he’s not!  (in voice of disbelief - but then she follows my eyes and looks at him as he is handing a young girl the bottle and she takes a swig – Pii Dtang turns back around and says nothing).

Me: there is plenty I wanted to say/do, but instead I just stared at Pii Dtang waiting for her reaction.  I’ve learned that in situations where you don’t know what to do, it’s best to follow the lead of a Thai woman. 

Pii Dtang: finally she says, “I don’t like that – do you?”

Me: No – not at all, especially at an event like this. 

Pii Dtang: vehemently agrees with me.  The adults like to drink whiskey and sing.

That is something I learned very early on in my stay in Thailand.  Thai's (mainly men) love to drink, in very large quantities, all the time.  As the guy passes us again, Pii Dtang asks him if he offered whiskey to the kids and he blew it off like it was no big deal.  I can’t lie and say that I’m not disappointed that Pii Dtang didn’t take further action, but I would venture to say she didn’t for the following reasons:

      1)      She’s a woman and he was a man with some social status - hierarchy, although often not truly earned, matters here.  Also three of the adults in charge, who are also leaders in the community were drinking throughout the entire day. 

a.       We call this saving face- a concept well known in Asian culture – basically meaning not to insult or make anybody look bad in front of others, regardless of the situation.

      2)    Saying something would not have made any difference - although I'm never a believer of that statement and can't believe I'm actually writing it.  Drinking at all ages (begins as early as 10 years old here) is just accepted. I emphasize this word, because so many people dislike it, and so many village leaders are trying to address this issue, yet often their actions enable this type of behavior.   Alcoholism is a known issue in Thailand (ok, all over the world, it’s just indescribably different here) and it’s customary in this country that nobody says anything to stir the pot or ruin someone’s good time. 

Despite all of this, we proceeded to have a lovely day at the National Park where we hiked, and for Thai people who don’t really do much activity, this was a bit of a hike!  

Pii Dtang and I picked mushrooms (I couldn’t help but think of that young guy that the book Into the Wild was written on behalf of and how he died, basically because he ate a poisonous herb.  While one can pretty much eat anything that grows out of the ground in Thailand).   Pii Dtang and I also had an intense conversation about what took place on the bus and decided to take matters into our own hands where we are the ones working with the kids/youth. This unfortunate situation with the police officer giving alcohol to the kids ended up inspiring us – Pii Dtang is basically tired of all these regular shenanigans and has decided that her and I will be leaders to provide an opportunity for troubled youth.  She’s been informing everybody about our new group, where no alcohol and/or drugs are allowed – we begin next Friday night :)

The Toilet Paper Test

Well, this didn't actually start out as a test; it kind of turned into that....in my head at least.  It began when I came back home to my village after being gone for a month and I had nothing in my house, including toilet paper. I guess I should preface with the toilet paper (TP) situation in Thailand - ok, here it is: they don't use TP in Thailand. Well, I shouldn't say that - Thai's use TP as napkins and paper towels, but not for private time in the bathroom.  Thai bathrooms (both household and public) typically have 1 of 2 options:

1. The butt sprayer - imagine a sprayer that you take off of the wall, when you push the tab, water shoots out to clean your butt, hence a butt sprayer (*Please note this is most common in public bathrooms and pretty much the only option in hotels - at least the cheap hotels I stay in).

Butt sprayer with a typical squat toilet - note that this is what I'd consider clean

2. Big tub o' water - imagine a big tub or urn filled with water.  Now take your hand or a bucket, whichever you prefer, and clean yourself with the water from the big tub o' water = water wipe.

This is just to help you visualize the concept, but this is way more clean than anything you'll find outside of my house.  Typically, this option is dirty, stinky, with a squat toilet, and a big tub of brown, dirty, buggy water

Now, imagine being in a dirty (and I mean dirty) public bathroom with one of these 2 options.  God only knows where that butt sprayer has been and you can always count on the big tub o' water being filled with dirty, brown, bug infested water.  The bucket used to wash with is always filthy (and I mean filthy) and there's NEVER any soap to wash your hands afterwards.  Really, you ask?  Yes, really.

Coming from America where we simply just wipe with some TP and call it a day, this was troublesome for me.  Yet, carrying TP everywhere just became exhausting.  Largely because you can't wash the TP down the squat toilet or regular bowl (the plumbing in the country just can't handle all that) and you have to pray there's a garbage pail around - and those are almost as rare as TP.  So, what do I do?

1. I stock up on TP in my house and always have a garbage pail nearby.

2. When travelling, I try to remember the TP but often forget and/or there's no garbage pail around.  So, I learned to embrace the drip dry.  C'mon, we've all done it.

3. If in a clean public bathroom, I've learned to rock that butt sprayer.  It took me a solid year in this country to be ok with that, but I've finally come to terms with it.  Despite the fact that I'm more wet after using the sprayer (they have massive shooting power), at least I feel cleaner.

So,  now that we have that out of the way, I'll go back to my TP Test.  I came home with no TP in the house and seeing that I was too lazy to get more, I figured I'd just suck it up for the day and rock the water wipe (see #2 in Thai bathroom options).  If you notice, the water wipe has never been an option I have chosen - so this was new for me.  I also had a cold and had to blow my nose incessantly - I figured my grandpa always used a handkerchief, so can I!  Well, that 1 day turned into a full week without TP in my house.  I've been to the store during that time but always forgot to buy TP, so I began wondering that maybe I have officially become accustomed to the Thai bathroom situation.  I was secretly proud of myself and realized that this past week turned into the TP Test of my life.....and I passed! (*please note that not using TP is also better for the environment, so I was extra proud of that fact.)  Granted, it's been a very 'wet in the crotch area' kind of a week, but we can't win em' all.

But then, a weak moment came upon me.  It was sitting there on the shelf, enticing me, practically screaming my name.  And so I bought a roll of TP.  And the first time I used it I actually felt guilty. I had been so strong that week with going all naturale and all and then I succumbed.  Just.like.that.  It was like all those times I've quit smoking and then I would have "just 1 cigarette" and feel so awful, but so good at the same time.  And then, you pick that bad habit right back up as if you never stopped.  That's exactly what it was like with the TP.

Now, a week after my first TP purchase, I'm still using TP in my house but on a more conscious level....aka I'm using it sparsely.  If I walk away with nothing else from this PC experience, at least I can always turn back to the TP test and feel semi-proud.